If models could cause otherwise rational individuals to crumble in their presence, exactly how powerful was beauty? | SATC 1-2: Models & Mortals


A little later than I intended to have this posted, but everything going on in my life was so much less irritating than this episode, so…

This has to be one of the worst episodes of Sex & the City. It’s so bad I could barely even muster the snark to complain about how bad it is. But I managed to pull through.

We start with Carrie—a much more blonde Carrie than in the pilot—voiceovering about a date that Miranda was on.

She’s at a dinner party and she seems to be enjoying herself. Her date—Nick Waxler, aka: Sports Agent Dude, aka: SAD—has just asked the group what old movie stars they’d each like to bang. The group goes around answering and Miranda chooses Sean Connery. Past, present, future Sean Connery. So, I guess Miranda is okay with hypothetically screwing abusers  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The women end up in the kitchen (it’s inevitable really, how else will all the sandwiches get made?) and Miranda tells them how she met SAD. SAD’s lady friends lack all of the tack. All of it. They start telling her that they’d given SAD an ultimatum because he kept bringing over models that either couldn’t/wouldn’t hold a conversation or preferred to throw up instead of answering SAD’s dumb hypotheticals. Who says these things to a woman they’ve just met?

There is this weird thread that runs throughout this entire episode where people either imply or explicitly state that all models are beautiful but stupid and really that beautiful people are inherently stupid. SAD’s friends seemingly imply to Miranda that she’s acceptable because she’s intelligent (and therefore not beautiful) and it’s hard to tell if she angrily eats her cheesecake because SAD’s friends (and therefore SAD himself) don’t find her beautiful or because SAD is a modelizer and being a modelizer is offensive.

And what’s up with SAD’s lady friends anyway? Like here are two apparently intelligent women (their taste in old movie stars aside) and they never thought to maybe set up their idiot modelizer friend with someone instead of just berating the women he brought to their dinner parties? Maybe SAD needs new friends.

And let’s be real here, SAD’s problem isn’t that he just likes screwing beautiful women. His problem is that he doesn’t give a shit about these women. Not past how they look, anyway. He doesn’t want an equal and he sure as hell doesn’t want a challenge. He wants a pretty doll without any independent thought or opinion because how else can this douche feel superior?

Uh, anyway, back to Miranda… she was angrily eating cheesecake.

She and SAD leave the party and Miranda confronts him about the modelizer thing. He admits he’s “obsessed” and Miranda is all “So, what am I? Your emotional beard?” And she bounces. Good for you, Miranda!

Naturally, Miranda runs to Carrie to bitch about this latest bump on her dating road, “If men like [SAD] are dating models, what chance to ordinary women have?” Uh, maybe the chance to not date douchebags? (Sorry, models.)

But thank Darren Star for this conversation, because how else would Carrie have the theme for this week’s column?

Back at Carrie’s, it’s girls night and Samantha is telling the ladies how she could be a model, but she “works for a living.” If Naomi Campbell wanted to throw a cell phone at this episode I’d hand her my iphone.

So, Samantha is a model on the high road, apparently, and like, what the hell does that even mean? That modelling isn’t a legit career? Okay, Sam. I’d love to see you say that to Iman or Cindy Crawford’s faces. I’m sure your job doing PR in New York City in no way requires needing the assistance of the occasional model, Samantha.

Anyway, then there is a whole discussion about how unfair it is that beautiful women get certain advantages. Apparently none of these thin white women have ever looked in a freaking mirror before because they’re all conventionally attractive and this entire conversation is so fucking ridiculous.

But it gets way more ridiculous because Charlotte starts in about how Christy Turlington makes her feel bad about herself.

Let me remind you what Kristen Davis looks like:

But, you see, Charlotte is wearing glasses in this scene, and if I’ve learned nothing from rom-com law, it’s that a conventionally attractive woman’s beauty can easily be hidden behind a pair of dark rimmed glasses.

Charlotte starts chanting “thighs, thighs, THIGHS!” manically while Miranda declares she wants to force-feed Christy Turlington lard and now we all know which of the four would kill the other three if it came down to it.

The ladies begin metaphorically chopping each other up for their favourite parts, except Samantha, who loves her body. Good friend Miranda snarks “you paid enough for it,” while Carrie sagely voiceovers “exactly how powerful was beauty?”

Okay, I get the whole having body image issues. We live in a society that enforces them on us so we’ll spend as much money as possible trying to fix every perceived flaw. We all have these issues. Even dudes have body image hang ups. However, four very beautiful women who check off every box of the Western Beauty Ideals checklist agonizing over their scripted flaws really annoys the fuck out of me. I mean, what do all the women who don’t look like Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte do? Just give up and lie on the floor?

Ugh, whatever.

Two models are sitting in a restaurant and start telling us about how pathetic modelizers are. They fall in love instantly because models and modelizers just want to get laid. Great, glad we cleared that up.

SAD then begins proselytizing. “Why fuck the girl in the skirt when you can fuck the girl in the ad for the skirt.” It’s at this point that I reach into my laptop and use a skirt to strangle this piece of garbage, but then that would turn this into a Law & Order episode. (Coincidentally, I’m currently watching an SVU episode where SAD actor, Josh Pais, is playing a defense attorney while I edit this.)

The restaurant models go on about how pathetic these modelizers are and how they can be manipulated into getting whatever they want. Take Xandrella, a “supermodel” (she’s not George Michael Freedom 90 level supermodel, so this claim is dubious at best) starts to list all the swag she’s gotten: trips to Aspen, weekends in Paris, holidays in St. Barts. She’s gotten jewellery and a boob job too, so that’s nice for her.

But guess what? Male models work the system too! Brad Fox (a catalogue model) has gotten a motorcycle and a juicer. Score! Who the fuck needs St. Barts when you’ve got a juicer? He’s also gotten scuba gear and an Herb Ritts photo. Well, he is just a catalogue model after all.

One of the restaurant models makes sure that we know she’s literary. Sometimes she reads an entire magazine from cover-to-cover!

Brb, gotta pop my eyeballs back in because they jumped out of my face and tried to run away.

SAD is now telling me about how models DO have brains, they just don’t use them. Uh, ok, you’re the one paying for trips to Paris and boob jobs, so who is using their brains here, douchebag? But then he says “my friends think I’m shallow. Sometimes I think they’re right. Other times I think, ‘hey! I’m fucking a model!'” SAD is a giant turd, you guys.

Carrie is at Gabriel Macht’s art/sex loft. He’s a friend of Carrie’s; we are only two episodes in, yet there is already an established trend of Carrie’s friends being assholes. Like attracts like, I guess.

Barkley (Gabriel Macht/Harvey Specter) is contributing to Carrie’s column by showing her exactly what kind of asshole he really is. Like how he treats models like dogs and yet still manages to get laid and live in an arty NY loft without actually selling any of his paintings.

He shows Carrie his real art. Oh, by the way, his real art is VIDEO TAPING MODELS HAVING SEX WITH HIM WITHOUT THEIR KNOWLEDGE OR CONSENT. And Carrie just lights a fucking cigarette. I really just cannot with Carrie, you guys.

Next she meets up with Nice Guy™ Skipper who tells Carrie all about how he and Miranda totes made out and hey, could Carrie pass along a note to Miranda since they have sixth period together? Actually, Skippy is whining about how Miranda won’t call him back.

Be cool, man!

Nope. He is incapable of being cool. Skipper pulls out his flip phone so Carrie can CALL MIRANDA AND ASK HER WHY SHE HASN’T CALLED HIM BACK. This is a for real actual thing that was written into the script. Like these are adult human characters in their 30s with professional adult jobs and omg I still have half the episode left.

So Carrie gets Miranda’s machine and the poor answering machine, which does not deserve this abuse, gets this message: “Hey, it’s Skipper. I’m in the street with Carrie. I just told her about how you won’t call me back. So now you have to call me back! YOU BETTER CALL ME BACK! No, I’m kidding. I’m joking! Please call me back. Did I mention this was Skipper?”


And, as usual, Carrie knows how to bring things back to her: “I think there is a curse put on the heads of anyone who tries to fix up their friends.” Really, Carrie? You did this! You did this to your best friend Miranda! You deserve whatever karma is bringing your way.

If I was smart I’d throw up my hands and forget this ridiculous project, but I’m not, so let’s continue.

Carrie and Stanford are at a fashion show in which Stanford’s most important (ie: only) client is starring. And sure, he’s a fine underwear model, I guess, but this is what a real 90s underwear model looks like:

and Stanford’s client, Derek “The Bone” is no Tyson Beckford.

Anyway, Stanford is weird and gropey with Derek (that’s no way to behave with a client Stanny!) and confesses to Carrie he’s just waiting for Derek to confess his undying love some day. This is a goddamn toxic work relationship. Carrie asks Stanford if Derek is gay and Stanford tells her Derek is too gorgeous to be straight. Stanford’s thirst level: dehydrated.

Samantha’s managed to get front row seats at this show, so it’s probably an America’s Next Top Model finale show. Harvey Spectre shows up, Samantha hits on him, and he acts ridiculous in that special way only men can when they pass up a good thing for an easy lay. When Carrie warns Sam that Spirit is a modelizer, but what Samantha chooses to hear is “challenge!”

Sam and Carrie titter like pre-teens reading an exclusive JTT interview in Tiger Beat when Derek walks the runway.

There is an after party and lo and behold who is at this party than smug bastard modelizer, Mr. Big. Apparently Big’s been reading Carrie’s column; he tells her he thinks it’s “cute.”

If anyone else had told Carrie they thought her column was cute, she’d have a shit fit, or at least we’d get a scene of the ladies at brunch where Samantha and Miranda get offended on Carrie’s behalf and Charlotte thinks she should take it as a compliment. Instead, Carrie giggles like she’s a naive 14 year old and the cutest boy in school has just told her she said something smart.

She tells him she’s working on a piece on modelizers and asks for his thoughts. “Only that they’re very lucky,” Big replies with that smug-ass grin, and continues, “[some men just admire] extremely beautiful women. Do you have a problem with that?”


Also, if this is what passes for flirting in 1998, I’m so happy to not have been flirted with in 1998.

Big’s date appears, she’s a model, of course (but also black!), and suddenly Carrie is transformed into “patchouli in a room full of Chanel.”


I miss Samantha rn. She would not let that shit fly.

So Patchouli Carrie voiceovers about something to with having thought she’d accepted her looks when she turned 30 and being too old to have the energy to be superficial.

Funny, here I was thinking being old enough to come to peace with your physical self is just something that came with age and wisdom and finally realizing how bullshit it all is, but  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ what do I know? I’m only in my 30s.

This entire episode is just full of awfulness.

So, then Sam runs up to Carrie to giggle about how baby Gabriel Macht checked off the “Yes” box on her do you like me? note, but Carrie does her one good-friend-act of the episode and warns Samantha about art-boy’s penchant for filming his model-sexing without their consent. This just makes Samantha more determined to go all the way with the dreamy boy from art class.

Carrie, feeling invisible in the midst of a bunch of models and the dudes who fetishize them, decides to leave and as she makes her way outside she runs into The Bone. Stanford is apparently getting a neck massage from a Versace model so Derek is leaving too. They end up at Carrie’s.

Carrie asks Derek why he didn’t hook up with one of the models from the show and Derek, THE MALE MODEL, tells her he thinks models are stupid. Derek’s model nickname should be The Bonehead, not The Bone.

Derek, a model name that you probably associate more with:

does not date models because he thinks they are stupid. I swear, this is more ironic than the writers meant it to be.

Carrie voiceovers that perhaps models repel each other because they can only be attracted to “regular people” and, I wonder to myself… how the hell is Carrie a celebrated columnist?

Derek makes himself comfortable in her bed and Carrie snuggles in close to him. They share a cigarette while Derek unburdens his mind (it doesn’t take long) while Carrie doesn’t listen. A love story for the ages.

Surprise, Carrie, beautiful people have feelings too (I should know).

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Cut to the lonely people montage. Miranda is buying cat food (this is heavy handed, even for you Darren Starr) when Skippy walks up to her.

Red alert, Miranda. Dude is fucking stalking you. RUN AWAY MIRANDA. “Why haven’t you been returning my calls?” he whines.

Miranda tries to brush him off (RUN MIRANDA) but Nice Guy™ Skipper The Stalker claims they have a connection. WHY AREN’T YOU RUNNING MIRANDA? He gets weirdly confrontational (or maybe not so weirdly considering he’s a STALKER) and demands to know if Miranda does this with every guy she’s with.

She tells him to play with kids his own age, but when he calls her luminous her defences crumble because she has the self esteem of a damp napkin and simultaneously alphas up by refusing him his Cap’n Crunch and takes him back to her place.

Ugh, ok first of all, Skipper—fucking gross. Like dude, move on. She hasn’t returned your 3000th call, MOVE ON.

Second, Maranda, you are so god damn childish. You aren’t into this nerd? Fine. Tell him and put me out of my misery, please!

She clearly likes the attention, and really there’s nothing wrong with liking attention, but she’s got this person who is STALKING HER and that’s not okay.



It’s one thing to tell him to get lost because he’s a creep, which is what she should do, but it’s an entirely different thing for her to lead him on and send him mixed messages when she has no interest in him aside from getting ego stroked and maybe an orgasm (have you seen Skipper? It’s doubtful he knows how to make that happen). She does not need to get ego stroked by a creeper. He is a creep and deserves nothing from her. She can get her ego strokes somewhere else.

Samantha and the boy artiste are getting down and mid-deed she asks about the camera, but is disappointed when Barkley tells her he only films the models, but he reconsiders and Sam then spends the rest of their time together staring straight into the camera. Whatever.

Carrie’s voiceover tells us that Sam wants the same consideration as the models, which to Sam, I guess means being objectified and thought of as an idiot by some creepy voyeur dirt bag. Samantha does not need this, but whatever, at least she consented to being filmed.

It’s the next morning and Carrie slept in her make up. Stanford is on the phone. He freaks out when he finds out that Derek spent the night at Carrie’s, but Carrie tells him they just talked. Relieved, Stanford exclaims “I knew he was gay!” That’s a fun relationship.

SAD starts bitching about models ruining his life and how he is an old man at 34. Cry me a river, you sad, gross little man.

Carrie is writing in a diner when Big slides into her booth. He can’t stay, he’s late for a meeting, but he’s a professional and he has something for Carrie’s column: “First of all, there are so many goddamn gorgeous women out there. But, the thing is this: after a while, you just want to be with the one who makes you laugh, you know what I mean?” And then he’s out.

Carrie swoons to death.

Episode Summary

Dude Count: 

  1. SAD/Sport Agent Dude/Nick Waxler
  2. Barkley/Gabriel Macht/Harvey Specter/Spirit
  3. Derek “The Bone(head)”
  4. Nice Guy™ Skipper
  5. Mr. Big

Worst Friend: 

Carrie and Miranda tie

Overall rating:

2 models out of 10 trips to St. Barts

Were Women in New York Really Giving Up On Love And Throttling Up On Power? | SATC 1-1: Sex and the City

In 1998, I was graduating high school and HBO was debuting a show about 4 thirty-something ladies in New York talking frankly about sex while prioritizing designer shoes over rent and food. Ahh, the nineties, such a simple time.

I loved Sex and the City when I started watching in season 3. I loved the clothes, and the clothes, and the glitz of New York, plus all the clothes. But I didn’t watch TV then the way I watch it now; now the clothes are dated, the show is a pretty poor representation of New York, and the glitz is somewhat tarnished.

Then the Sex and the City movie happened. After the movies the glitz of the show was beyond tarnished for me. The first movie was bad enough, but then SATC 2: Arab Boogaloo happened and it made me so angry that my urge to kill rose anytime SATC was mentioned in my general vicinity.


Clearly, Homer agrees with me


It took 5 years and a partial lobotomy to no longer have that reaction to the show. And I figure, if I could sit through a mini-marathon on CosmoTV without ripping my ears off I could probably handle rewatching all six seasons and writing about it.

The episode opens with an anecdote about a thirty-something British woman who moves to New York (with her Louis Vuitton luggage set, natch). She meets a man who “makes two million a year” at an art gallery, they eat dinner, they golf, they fuck, and soon enough they’re looking at houses together. Mr. Two Million hints to the realtor that maybe he and the British chick would fill up every room in that house with babies (that poor hypothetical vagina) and Ms. Expensive Luggage (pretty sure her name is actually Elizabeth, but whatever) swoons appropriately. More swooning commences when Mr. Two Mil suggests she meet his mother and then…nothing. Girlfriend gets ghosted.

Elizabeth, looking rough for someone who has a full set of Louis Vuitton luggage, is recounting this story for a dark-haired smoker in a coffee shop. The smoker is none other than Carrie Bradshaw, sex columnist extraordinaire for the New York Star. Carrie tells us that poor Elizabeth just found out about the “end of love in New York.”

I may or may not have rolled my eyes 14 times since this episode started.

There is more Carrie smoking, more inane voiceovering, more dated sax playing in the background. Carrie muses about all the great single ladies in New York who travel and buy $400 designer shoes and laments how these women, with so much disposable income (God, time before the recession was amazing) could be all alone. Maybe they’re comforting themselves with money and designer shoes, Carrie. I would be.

And now I’m being bombarded by unattractive, but probably rich men (aka: toxic bachelors) mansplaining answers for why NY women were single. They’re not even good enough excuses to type out.

Next we meet Miranda Hobbs (A BRUNETTE MIRANDA) who starts telling a story about a woman who had sex for fun, when suddenly she found herself 41, single, and unable to get a date. Apparently this means the woman’s life was over so she left New York to move in with her mother in Wisconsin. Miranda really missed her calling as a children’s writer. Then Charlotte York sets back the feminist movement 50 years because the only viable way to land a man is to play by “the rules.” Her hair is in a super cute flippy bob though.

There’s more back and forth with the toxic bachelors, Miranda, Charlotte, and now Skipper (the SATC universe’s Nice Guy™) ending with one of the toxic dudes aggressively suggesting that women should just marry fat men. 😐 Maybe if dude didn’t hate women he’d be less angry.

It’s Miranda’s birthday and the girls are celebrating by having drag queens bring her cake. And we finally get to meet Samantha Jones, complete with a declaration that women would all be better off if they just had sex like men.

Carrie’s voiceover tells me that Samantha is an inspiration—she’s an older woman (late thirties is older? I really have no chances then) who regularly sexes up dudes in their twenties. “This is the first time in the history of New York that women have had as much money and power as men [LOL], plus the equal luxury of treating men like sex objects,” says Samantha in all her inspirational wisdom. Sam is going to have her mind blown when she reaches 2016.

There is more inane conversation along this vein with Miranda declaring she dumped a poet because after sex (which was great, apparently) she “didn’t want to go there” when he wanted to share his poetry. I guess dude’s poems were pretty bad then.

Charlotte pipes in with some schmaltz about not giving up on love, Carrie thinks it’s impossible to have sex like a dude and  I’m just sitting here going:


Voiceover Carrie, in all her stereotypical rom-com glory is sitting in bed delivering the first of 92 glorious tedious ridiculous thesis statements: “Was it true? Were women in New York really giving up on love and throttling up on power?” (Which, if you haven’t guessed by now, is where I’m getting the title of these posts.) Carrie, dropping the spoon, grins into the camera, “What a tempting thought!” The constant fourth-wall breaking is making me rethink this entire project and I’m only part way through the first episode.

The next day Carrie is having lunch with Stanford (finally! A character I don’t loathe!) and we are treated to Carrie asking Stanford if he is in love before spotting Kit Harrington (not this Kit Harrington) in all his late 90s trash glory (dude looks like he was the bad boy in a one-hit wonder 90s boy band). Kit is Carrie’s ex, a mistake she made repeatedly in her twenties and early thirties, but I guess it’s understandable because he was the best sex she’s ever had. Stanford urges Carrie not to approach him, so obviously Carrie just has to go over to Kit and tells Stanford its for research. Stanford wins my heart forever when he tells Carrie he “doesn’t have the patience to clean up this mess for the fourth time.” THAT’S A GOOD FRIEND CARRIE. LISTEN TO YOUR GOOD FRIEND STANFORD.

So, Carrie goes back to Kit’s where we’re treated to listening to Carrie agree with whatever it is Kit’s doing under the sheets (hint: it’s cunnilingus). He pops up saying it’s his turn and Carrie, short of laughing in his face, bounces. This may be the only time I truly respect Carrie Bradshaw. Get yours, girl, get yours.

Strutting out of Kit’s building, full of pride in successfully sexing like a dude, Carrie is promptly bumped into by a very rude person who doesn’t even say sorry when the contents of her purse go flying. (This is how you can tell I’m Canadian.)

She quickly begins gathering the 1000 condoms that have flown out of her bag when a handsome man approaches. The handsome man helps her pick up her Trojans, Carrie notices he isn’t wearing a wedding ring, and the handsome man all but wink,wink, nudge,nudges her. Flustered, Carrie pulls on the hem of her dress as she looks back at the handsome man walking away. And that, boys and girls is how Carrie and Big met-cute.

Carrie, in the name of research, is having coffee with Skipper. Skipper is whining about how he has ~feelings~ and is generally lamenting life as a Nice Guy™ while Carrie muses about whether or not Skipper was gay. The nineties were wild, you guys. A lightbulb over her head lights up because ding! ding! ding! Carrie thinks Skipper should date Miranda! What could go wrong?

Carrie is not a good friend, you guys. She voiceovers all about how Miranda is going to hate Skipper and how she’ll think his “sweet nature” (*gag*) is going to make her think he’s really a lying asshole. Why, why would she think this is a good idea??!!

Anyway, that’s when Charlotte calls to cancel going to the club with her friends because she has a date with “ungettable bachelor” Capote Duncan (aka: one of those toxic bachelors from earlier) and how she isn’t participating in the sex like a man game that’s apparently happening.

Remember how in the late 90s dresses that looked like lingerie was a thing? Carrie’s leopard print number will remind you it was very much A Thing. She makes a terrible joke comparing Chaos (the club) to Cheers and you really get a sense that Carrie is probably a terrible writer. The New York Star is lucky to have her.

Oh god, the next scene is Miranda and Skipper on their date. Miranda is complaining about how many models were there at the club and how were regular women supposed to compete with them? She calls Skipper Skippy to further undermine him, and honestly I think it’s hilarious. Rude af, but hilarious.  Skipper tells Miranda he thinks women who aren’t beautiful are still capable of being interesting (ugh, shut up Skippy) so Miranda reaches down his throat, rips out his heart and eats it in front of him rips into him because she thinks he’s implied that she isn’t beautiful. It’s like watching the dumbest accident ever. You can’t look away but also you’re rolling your eyes so hard you may rupture a blood vessel.

As Carrie attempts to intervene, she’s accosted by Kit (Chaos is the place to be seen, after all) who corners her just to say that he’s glad she FINALLY figured out the kind of relationship he’s wanted this entire time: sex without commitment. They both say they’ll call when they’re horny, but Carrie’s expression will tell you that’s never happening.

Carrie walks up to Samantha who is eyeing Mr. Big. She tells Carrie he is the next Donald Trump, just younger and better looking (obviously—a rotting hunk of meat is better looking than Donald Trump); apparently he only dates models, but Sam is determined to make him hers—for the night at least. She checks herself out, squares up her courage and her shoulders, and sidles up to Big asking for him to light her Honduran cigar. And even though she’s basically giving him a preview of what he’d be in for with a night with Samantha Jones, Big doesn’t fall all over himself to replace that cigar she’s sucking on with his dick. This is how you know Big is a Classy Dude. Well, that and he smokes Cubans. Of course, him declaring how cool he is because he’s been smoking cigars since “they were terminally uncool” just negates that. Hipster Big is just a smarmy jackass.

Meanwhile, on Charlotte’s date she and Capote are leaving a gala when he asks her to come back to his place to see his “Ross Bleckner.” That’s what toxic bachelors called their penises back in the 90s. Charlotte’s rules tell her to say no, but the lure of the Bleckner beckons. They kiss but Charlotte’s rules dictate that a lady has to get up early in the morning so Capote, ever the gentleman, gets her a cab. But then he gets in and asks the driver to take him to Chaos because while he gets and respects Charlotte’s no sex on the first date thing, he “REALLY needs to have sex tonight.” Did I call him a gentleman? I meant gross asshole.

Back at Chaos, Capote slips into the club to look for his lay while Miranda and Skipper kiss outside. Skipper is apparently smitten and Miranda wants to get laid. Whatever. Carrie attempts to get a cab, but lucky for Carrie Big pulls up in his limo, saving her from the “unthinkable”—having to walk home. Bitch, please.

On the ride home, he ask her what she does for a living and she tells him she is a “sex anthropologist,” and Big—ever the charmer—replies “like a hooker?” with that giant smarmy-ass grin of his. He clearly thinks he’s witty af and frankly, he’s the only one. Carrie explains that she’s a columnist for the New York Star and that she’s researching that whole sex like a man thing. Big then condescends that Carrie has never been in love in that special way of his that makes Carrie promptly fall in love with him. It’s a charming story, really. One for the grandkids.

Big’s limo pulls up to Carrie’s house and as she leaves she turns and ask him if he’s ever been in love; Big answers “abso-fucking-lutely!” because of course he does.

Meanwhile, Capote picked up Sam at Chaos and they did it, obviously.

Episode Summary

Dude Count: 

  1. Tim (aka: Mr. Two Million)
  2. Peter (Toxic Bachelor #1)
  3. Capote Duncan (Toxic Bachelor #2)
  4. Nice Guy TM Skipper
  5. Mr. Big

Worst Friend: 

Carrie, obviously.

Overall rating:

4 Honduran cigars out of 10 Cubans

One Line Book Reviews: July, August, September, October


Mini Shopaholic – Sophie Kinsella
This was the only one of the Shopaholic books I hadn’t read. It was cute. Now there’s new one.

Austenland – Shannon Hale
I loved, loved, loved the movie, so I thought I’d give the book a go, and it’s a cute, fun read. Love the movie more.

The Silkworm – Robert Galbraith
Even better than The Cuckoo is Calling, which I enjoyed very much.

Never Let Me Go – Kazuo Ishiguro
Want to cry forever? Read this.

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer – Patrick Süskind
So good, so dark, makes you want to shower.

Fifty Shades of Grey – EL James
This  made me want to die because it’s just SO. AWFUL. I have a blog post about just how much I wanted to die queued for when the movie comes out.

The Secret History – Donna Tartt
It’s a good thing I enjoy reading about fucked up people so much because so many people hate reading books with unlikable characters.

Attachments – Rainbow Rowell
Can she write books that are less adorable? Let’s hope not.

Me Before You – Jojo Moyes
Pretty sure I got dehydrated from crying about this book.

The Giver – Lois Lowry
Never read this in school, but wanted to read it incase I got around to seeing the movie. I think I might be over the dystopian thing for a while.

Landline – Rainbow Rowell
Nope, she’s incapable to writing things that are not adorable.

Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? – Mindy Kaling
The references to weight are witty and funny, the internalized racism and rape references are not.

If I Stay – Gayle Forman
The end was so disappointing it ruined what was only an okay book.

We Were Liars – E. Lockhart
Very good, tight mystery. Glad I went into it spoiler free.

Frog Music – Emma Donoghue
I actually didn’t like this until I found out it was loosely based on real people.

American Gods – Neil Gaiman
I read it because almost everyone I know loves it, but I didn’t. Not that it was bad, but it’s not the Gaiman I enjoy reading.

The Girls From Corona del Mar – Rufi Thorpe
It started out beautifully, and then… it got bogged down in convolution. An interesting look at female friendships.

Beloved – Toni Morrison
Beautiful and haunting and difficult to read.

Lancôme Grandiôse Mascara & Urban Decay Perversion Mascara Review

I received a tube of Lancôme’s new Grandiôse mascara from Influenster for review and when I got the box in the mail my first impression was “How does a mascara need a box this big?!” As much as I love creative packaging, I hate wasteful packaging, but I digress, let’s continue talking about mascara.



I love the packaging on this. It’s pretty and feminine and the trademark rose is nice touch.


I’ve never had a mascara come with instructions before…


I hate these types of brushes. I hate them with the fire of a thousand suns.


And here is me pre-mascara. There is a bit of eyeshadow on my lashes, hence the gray tinge.


So, I followed the instructions that were included with the mascara, and my lashes look pretty good in the photos below, but I hate this mascara.


It’s a nice mascara, don’t get me wrong, but it just does nothing for me. It defines them, sure, but that’s it. I have long, fairly thick lashes and this mascara just makes them look meh. The worst part, however, is something that happens whenever I try mascaras with these plastic brushes–they leave too much product on my tips (which is a good thing if you have short lashes) and each lash looks like they are the same thickness from root to tip.


I like my lashes to look feathery and dense and always comb them through with with my Tweezerman metal tooth lash comb; the Lancôme Grandiôse mascara, though, leaves the tips of my lashes looking squarish rather than tapered and feathery even after I’ve combed them through.


But just because it doesn’t work for me doesn’t mean this isn’t a good mascara. It’s just not a good mascara for me. I think it would work better for someone with shorter lashes (in fact, I should test this and try it on my mother). It does have great staying power, and in the name of testing (*ahem*) I wore the mascara to sleep and it didn’t even budge.

A mascara I am loving currently, and is everything I love in a mascara, is the new Urban Decay Perversion mascara. When it comes to mascaras, lengthening is a low priority for me. I prefer volume. That said, Perversion gives me the volume I love and makes my lashes look lash-extension long.


I mean, I am always a huge fan of mascaras that make it look like I’m wearing false lashes and Perversion does that so, so well. It doesn’t flake or smudge and again, in the name of science! I’ve slept with it on (don’t do this kids, just don’t. It’s a bad habit) and I barely noticed a difference the next morning.

IMG_8888.JPGSo, basically, it’s a huge thumbs up for UD’s Perversion mascara for me (like, I will totally purchase this mascara again) and a thumbs down for the Lancôme Grandiôse one.

*Lancôme Grandiôse mascara was provided by Influenster, while the Urban Decay Perversion was purchased myself.



One Line Book Reviews: May & June

oneline 6I’m behind on my goodreads goal like I’m behind on my blog posts and since I can’t write a blog post and read at the same time, I can at least check one thing off my to-do list.

Persuasion – Jane Austen
Why there aren’t more romantic comedies based on this, I’ll never know.

The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath
I found myself really annoyed with Esther during a good portion of the book, but only because she was so easy to relate to.

Etiquette & Espionage/Curtsies & Conspiracies – The Finishing School Series – Gail Carriger
I am annoyed with myself for starting this series before Carriger has finished writing it because I want to binge-read the entire thing the way I did with the Soulless series. I thought the first book was a bit slow and clunky with setting up a new series, but it picked up pace with the second book and now I can’t wait for the third! I am always here for ladies kicking butt and looking fabulous. And having tea afterwards.

A Fault in Our Stars – John Green
The only reason I read this was because it was the only book Nieceling #2 read and I promised her I’d take her to see the movie. I read it on the plane back from Ottawa and I don’t really get all the hype. I mean, sure, even I, with my dead emotions and black heart, can feel something for kids with cancer, but it was kind of like every character in the book was a slight variation on a Manic Pixie Dream Human. Blah, blah, blah, it’s a metaphor. *eye roll*

Ruin & Rising – Leigh Bardugo
I waited over a year for this book and it did not let me down! Of all the YA trilogies I’ve read lately, the Grisha series is one of my favourites. And, honestly, it’s so nice to get an ending that doesn’t rip out your heart for once (no matter how black that heart may be.) I just want to read all three books over again and cry a little about the fact that Nikolai Lantsov isn’t my boyfriend a real person.

And with that I’m still 14 books behind on my goodreads goal for the year (of 100 books) so I better get off the internet and pick up my latest book.


A Long Overdue Giant Haul Post (no actual giants were hauled during the writing of this post)

So I went to Sephora. And I bought some things. Just a few things. Things I needed. At least that was the intention. Go to Sephora, pick up a concealer that needed to be replaced and some setting spray because I’d run out and that was that. In and out.

But then the aisles of shiny pretty things lured me in (not that I resisted that hard) and soon enough I had that little black basket full of new toys to play with while I eyed distracting baubles that lined the way to the cash register. How many more Jack Black lip balms did I need? I was carrying two in my purse right at that moment. You have no idea how much strength it takes to keep passing over that Shu Uemura eyelash curler time and time again because who needs 4 eyelash curlers, right?

For too long I’d been pretty staid with my previous beauty purchases; spending only birthday gift cards on things that needed to be replaced and cashing in my MAC recyclables for new lipsticks. This time, however, I just said fuck it to responsible beauty purchases and decided I was just going to buy whatever the hell I felt like buying. And so below is a collection of beauty stuff I bought over the course of the last 6 weeks.

20140629-174706-64026746.jpgI rarely cash in my Sephora points. I don’t know what amazing thing I’m saving them up for, but usually if there is a mascara I haven’t tried I’ll use 100 points to save from buying a new mascara (until my more recent purchases, I hadn’t bought mascara for about a year between my Sephora points and Clinique bonuses).

It took some convincing by the Sephora girl to get me to try out the Tarte cheek stain because I don’t usually bother with blush more than a swipe of NARS Orgasm to give my face a little colour. But thank you Sephora girl for convincing me to try this because I LOVE IT. It looks so natural and it lasts all day and gives my face just the right amount of colour. The only problem is that I probably need to get like 4 more now.

20140629-174711-64031063.jpg I am a huge, huge fan of the Real Techniques brush line (so much so that I’m always trying to get people I know to buy them like I’m a pusher, but my drug is fabulousness and tools to help that fabulousness along). I just wanted a spare liner brush, but no one seems to carry just the liner brush here, so I bought the entire starter set because who can’t use more eyeshadow brushes, right? A week later I found the silicone liner brush at Winners and the heavens opened up, cherubs began to sing, and I was ensconced in an ethereal light. I found the liner brush of my dreams, because my dream is a liner brush that is easy to clean and keeps it’s tip sharp.

20140629-174711-64031950.jpg I’ve been using the Urban Decay All Nighter setting spray for years now, but this is the first time I tried the B6 spray and because I keep forgetting to actually use it, I haven’t really formed an opinion on how well it works. Oops.

My newest thing has been trying out and collecting different concealers so I rarely buy the same one twice, except that I love the NARS Creamy Concealer so much that I can’t imagine not having it in my makeup bag. But that is what tempted me into buying the new Laura Mercier Full Coverage concealer. It’s a bit on the dry side, which makes it perfect for mixing with my MAC Pro Long Wear concealer. I’m pretty sure this tube will last me until the next millenium because you only need the teensiest amount to cover your entire body.

Hourglass’ Iconic liquid lipstick is one of my favourite lip colours (I’m going to have to update this post already) which I bought especially to wear for my cousin’s wedding in Ottawa.

This is the third time I’ve replaced that Stila liner, which in my universe means that me and that Stila liner are now married.

The Maybelline 24 hour lip colour I bought because I kept hearing about how great it was (when worn properly) and how it lasts forever. I’m not saying I fell asleep wearing it and woke up the next morning with perfect lipstick, but I fell asleep wearing it and woke up the next morning with perfect lipstick.
20140629-174707-64027636.jpgThe Hourglass Ambient Lighting Powder trio is the one thing that I regretted not buying when it first came out, but now it’s permanent, so now I can look like I’m being followed by a professional lighting crew wherever I go.

20140629-174704-64024940.jpgThe only time I buy makeup remover wipes is when I travel, so I bought the Elf ones before I left for Ottawa. They got my makeup off and didn’t dry out my skin, so thumbs up.

I actually bought the Kiehl’s stuff before anything else because I needed a new moisturizer, and lemme tell you, since I started using the ultra moisture line, my skin is SO much better than it was earlier this year. For the first time in ages my skin is closer to normal than dry and I don’t feel like a crocodile so much anymore.

20140629-174705-64025855.jpg I needed a new blush brush that wasn’t an angled blush brush (say blush brush 3 times fast) so I bought the Real Techniques one because it’s cheap and awesome.

I heard a rumour that MAC was discontinuing the Strobe Liquid, so I panicked and stocked up because what was I going to do without Strobe Liquid? I use it just about everyday (mixed into my foundation) and have for the past 15 years or so, so the thought of it being discontinued was like ABC canceling Pushing Daisies all over again.

I wanted to try Urban Decay’s new felt tip Perversion liner, but I didn’t like it (it’s not a bad liner, I just didn’t like it) so I exchanged it for the Naked Flushed palette in Streak, which I loooooooooove. The blush is a gorgeous coral, the highlighter is a super pretty golden colour, and while the bronzer is a little light for me, I don’t mind because it 1. has no shimmer, and 2. makes for a really great blending colour for eyeshadow.

Since I keep hearing good things about L’oreal’s gel liner I thought I’d try it out for myself since my MAC gel liner is starting to dry out. The formula is pretty nice and smooth and colour is opaque, though maybe not as black as I tend to like (I like my eyeliner to be the same shade of black as my soul). Not sure if I’d repurchase this one though. I think I might go back to my number one gel liner love: Bobbi Brown’s Long Wear Gel Liner.

20140629-174709-64029083.jpgI’ve been using Benefit’s Brow Zing for years, but once Anastasia’s Dip Brow came out, I had to try it. My brows are unruly and Dip Brow reigns them in really well. A little goes a long way, but it makes a huge difference in how groomed my brows look. Plus, it lasts all day, which filling in with powder didn’t always do. I’m a little obsessed with this stuff.

20140706-133954-49194194.jpgSo, I wasn’t planning on buying anymore cosmetics for a while because I technically didn’t need anything new, except Benefit decided to release a new eyeliner and technically I needed to try it out. For science. And of course I couldn’t just order the eyeliner, I had to order enough so that I qualified for free shipping. I mean, what else was I supposed to do? Pay for shipping? Hardly.

So I added a few more things to my basket: The Sephora Favourites Lash-To-Go box, a Josie Maran Coconut Water eyeshadow, Amazing Cosmetics concealer, and then a bunch of samples I haven’t gotten around to trying out yet.


The Lash-To-Go box includes a Blinc mascara, TooFaced’s Better than Sex mascara, Lancome’s Hypnose Drama, Tarte’s Lights-Camera-Lashes mascara, and Bare Mineral’s Lash Domination Volumizing mascara, plus a voucher for a full size mascara of your choice. I’ve only used one each one once so far, so I haven’t really formed an opinion on any of them yet. The Blinc mascara is a tubing mascara and while I don’t particularly like it for my top lashes, it’s been great for my bottom lashes (I don’t know what it is about tubing mascaras, but they’re the only type of mascara I look forward to taking off because it’s so fun to watch the tubes come off your lashes!) Better than Sex mascara is probably my favourite mascara so far because it makes my lashes look really full while also separating them. I LOVE Lancome mascaras and the Hypnose Drama is pretty nice, though the Doll Eyes mascara is still my favourite. The Tarte mascara is also nice so far, but I haven’t really formed much of an opinion on it either way. That goes for the Bare Mineral’s mascara too.

Once I’ve gotten a better impression of them each I’ll do a separate post on them and by then I’ll probably be able to decide which one I’ll use my voucher on.

Ok, so let’s talk about Benefit’s Push Up Liner. There has been a lot of hype around this liner and I’ve read dozens of mixed reviews; I personally like it a lot, but I don’t LOVE it. The formula is a little dry and I think the product as a whole would benefit (heh) if the gel formula was closer to the consistency of Bobbi Brown’s gel liner (which is a little more watery than MAC’s and L’oreal’s). To get the liner to the intensity that I prefer I have to go over the line a few times, and if I don’t work quickly and the formula dries the liner will start to flake. And if you twist out too much product it will crumble. On the plus side, Push Up Liner makes easy work of winged liner (yes, even for me). If Benefit ever decides it’s going to rework the formula though, I will probably love the hell out of this because it’s pretty excellent, aside from that little problem.

20140706-141652-51412905.jpgI think from all the stuff I got, my favourite product is the Josie Maran Coconut Watercolour eyeshadow. It’s a liquid eyeshadow that is lightweight but very pigmented. I got Playa Del Pink because it seemed like a nice neutral colour; the shadow is a light golden shimmery colour  that I can’t  even really call shimmery. It’s more accurate to say that it glows, but not in that Mr. Burns-I-bring-you-love kind of way, more like an ethereal elf queen kind of way. I LOVE this eyeshadow. It’s so perfect for summer. This colour is light enough to be worn in the day (and would look so gorgeous on the beach because of it’s shimmer/glow) and translates perfectly to night because you can build it up without the shadow creasing or looking heavy. I wore this to my friend’s wedding on Monday, which was an all day event, and there was no creasing or fading in the least (I did wear it with a primer, but I have oily lids and need to wear a primer). I will probably be buying at least a few more shades from this line.

Whew! That’s it. That’s all the makeup I bought lately. Now I need a nap.



The Definitive List of Chris Evans Movies


I was having a hard time coming up with a post topic for this week, so I figured I’d post about something very important to me: the filmography of Chris Evans because I spent yesterday afternoon watching Snowpiercer (more below). I’ve spent a LOT of afternoons watching Chris Evans movies, so what better than spending an afternoon writing about Chris Evans movies?

From worst to best:

21. London
This movie is fucking terrible. Don’t waste your time. Jessica Biel is also in it, so seriously don’t waste your time.

20. The Loss of a Tear Drop Diamond
This movie is terrible, but Chris Evans isn’t terrible in it. Plus, he looks like this in it:


so it’s not a total loss.

19. Cellular
I don’t know. It’s a movie. I wonder what Chris Evans’ character’s cell bill was after all of that.

18. Fierce People
I’m pretty sure I didn’t like this. All the characters are awful people.

17. Not Another Teen Movie

I have nothing else to add.

16. Push
I like C Evans in broody-hero-who-doesn’t-want-to-be-a-hero type stuff and he’s good opposite Dakota Fanning in this. Overall not the greatest movie, but it doesn’t have Jessica Biel in it, so.

15. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
C Evans looks great wearing tight stuff.

14. Fantastic Four
C Evans looks great wearing tight stuff.

13. The Nanny Diaries
I always forget this movie exists.

12. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
I’ve only seen up to C Evan’s scenes, but from what I’ve seen of it, I liked it enough that I should watch the rest some day.

11. The Losers
I love this movie for this scene alone:

But actually his character, Jensen, is great and I love watching C Evans do some comedic stuff. Plus, this movie has Idris Elba in it too.

10. The Perfect Score
I didn’t know this movie even existed until a couple of months ago when found it online. I like it. I’m surprised it’s never included in 90s/early 2000 teen movie lists because I’d probably watch this as often as She’s All That or Can’t Hardly Wait.

9. Thor: The Dark World
I’m adding this as a technicality, because technically he is in the movie. It’s my favourite scene in the entire film and the whole Chris Evans playing Captain America as Tom Hiddleston playing Loki playing Captain America thing is just everything that makes my heart go on.

8. Iceman
C Evans playing a psychotic killer for hire with an ice cream truck and questionable facial hair? Yes, please. Seriously though, he’s so great in this and everyone should see it.

7. Puncture
This movie, man. Chris is so damn good in this.

6. Sunshine
I’ve had internet fights about this movie. I saw it before C Evans was so high on my Hot Dude Radar and I loved it and his Mace has always been my favourite character. I will fight anyone who says Mace wasn’t right.

5. What’s Your Number?

In his own words, “[he’s] naked a lot in this movie.” And it’s beautiful.

4. The Avengers

.It's a nice butt though.

3. Snowpiercer
If you get a chance to see this movie, see this movie. It is SO good and Chris is great in it. It’s probably one of the best films I’ve seen lately and now that this movie is actually going to be released apparently, I’m going to see it legitimately in the theatres. But seriously, this is a fantastic film and you need to see it. Trust me.

2. Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Have I mentioned how much I love Steve Rogers? I really, super love Steve Rogers and watching Steve give up rather than kill Bucky is one of the most heart breaking things I’ve ever seen.

1. Captain America: The First Avenger
HAVE I MENTIONED HOW MUCH I LOVE STEVE ROGERS? Skinny Steve is my most favourite thing ever. And after-serum Steve is pretty amazing too:

cap trailer 8a

But seriously, I don’t know that I’ve ever had so many feels for a fictional character before.

So, there are a few I haven’t seen, but overall I’ll maintain that C Evans is a better actor than most of his resume would have you believe. (Seriously, see Snowpiercer once it’s released.) And now I feel like watching What’s Your Number for the 9th time.