A little later than I intended to have this posted, but everything going on in my life was so much less irritating than this episode, so…
This has to be one of the worst episodes of Sex & the City. It’s so bad I could barely even muster the snark to complain about how bad it is. But I managed to pull through.
We start with Carrie—a much more blonde Carrie than in the pilot—voiceovering about a date that Miranda was on.
She’s at a dinner party and she seems to be enjoying herself. Her date—Nick Waxler, aka: Sports Agent Dude, aka: SAD—has just asked the group what old movie stars they’d each like to bang. The group goes around answering and Miranda chooses Sean Connery. Past, present, future Sean Connery. So, I guess Miranda is okay with hypothetically screwing abusers ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
The women end up in the kitchen (it’s inevitable really, how else will all the sandwiches get made?) and Miranda tells them how she met SAD. SAD’s lady friends lack all of the tack. All of it. They start telling her that they’d given SAD an ultimatum because he kept bringing over models that either couldn’t/wouldn’t hold a conversation or preferred to throw up instead of answering SAD’s dumb hypotheticals. Who says these things to a woman they’ve just met?
There is this weird thread that runs throughout this entire episode where people either imply or explicitly state that all models are beautiful but stupid and really that beautiful people are inherently stupid. SAD’s friends seemingly imply to Miranda that she’s acceptable because she’s intelligent (and therefore not beautiful) and it’s hard to tell if she angrily eats her cheesecake because SAD’s friends (and therefore SAD himself) don’t find her beautiful or because SAD is a modelizer and being a modelizer is offensive.
And what’s up with SAD’s lady friends anyway? Like here are two apparently intelligent women (their taste in old movie stars aside) and they never thought to maybe set up their idiot modelizer friend with someone instead of just berating the women he brought to their dinner parties? Maybe SAD needs new friends.
And let’s be real here, SAD’s problem isn’t that he just likes screwing beautiful women. His problem is that he doesn’t give a shit about these women. Not past how they look, anyway. He doesn’t want an equal and he sure as hell doesn’t want a challenge. He wants a pretty doll without any independent thought or opinion because how else can this douche feel superior?
Uh, anyway, back to Miranda… she was angrily eating cheesecake.
She and SAD leave the party and Miranda confronts him about the modelizer thing. He admits he’s “obsessed” and Miranda is all “So, what am I? Your emotional beard?” And she bounces. Good for you, Miranda!
Naturally, Miranda runs to Carrie to bitch about this latest bump on her dating road, “If men like [SAD] are dating models, what chance to ordinary women have?” Uh, maybe the chance to not date douchebags? (Sorry, models.)
But thank Darren Star for this conversation, because how else would Carrie have the theme for this week’s column?
Back at Carrie’s, it’s girls night and Samantha is telling the ladies how she could be a model, but she “works for a living.” If Naomi Campbell wanted to throw a cell phone at this episode I’d hand her my iphone.
So, Samantha is a model on the high road, apparently, and like, what the hell does that even mean? That modelling isn’t a legit career? Okay, Sam. I’d love to see you say that to Iman or Cindy Crawford’s faces. I’m sure your job doing PR in New York City in no way requires needing the assistance of the occasional model, Samantha.
Anyway, then there is a whole discussion about how unfair it is that beautiful women get certain advantages. Apparently none of these thin white women have ever looked in a freaking mirror before because they’re all conventionally attractive and this entire conversation is so fucking ridiculous.
But it gets way more ridiculous because Charlotte starts in about how Christy Turlington makes her feel bad about herself.
Let me remind you what Kristen Davis looks like:
But, you see, Charlotte is wearing glasses in this scene, and if I’ve learned nothing from rom-com law, it’s that a conventionally attractive woman’s beauty can easily be hidden behind a pair of dark rimmed glasses.
Charlotte starts chanting “thighs, thighs, THIGHS!” manically while Miranda declares she wants to force-feed Christy Turlington lard and now we all know which of the four would kill the other three if it came down to it.
The ladies begin metaphorically chopping each other up for their favourite parts, except Samantha, who loves her body. Good friend Miranda snarks “you paid enough for it,” while Carrie sagely voiceovers “exactly how powerful was beauty?”
Okay, I get the whole having body image issues. We live in a society that enforces them on us so we’ll spend as much money as possible trying to fix every perceived flaw. We all have these issues. Even dudes have body image hang ups. However, four very beautiful women who check off every box of the Western Beauty Ideals checklist agonizing over their scripted flaws really annoys the fuck out of me. I mean, what do all the women who don’t look like Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte do? Just give up and lie on the floor?
Two models are sitting in a restaurant and start telling us about how pathetic modelizers are. They fall in love instantly because models and modelizers just want to get laid. Great, glad we cleared that up.
SAD then begins proselytizing. “Why fuck the girl in the skirt when you can fuck the girl in the ad for the skirt.” It’s at this point that I reach into my laptop and use a skirt to strangle this piece of garbage, but then that would turn this into a Law & Order episode. (Coincidentally, I’m currently watching an SVU episode where SAD actor, Josh Pais, is playing a defense attorney while I edit this.)
The restaurant models go on about how pathetic these modelizers are and how they can be manipulated into getting whatever they want. Take Xandrella, a “supermodel” (she’s not George Michael Freedom 90 level supermodel, so this claim is dubious at best) starts to list all the swag she’s gotten: trips to Aspen, weekends in Paris, holidays in St. Barts. She’s gotten jewellery and a boob job too, so that’s nice for her.
But guess what? Male models work the system too! Brad Fox (a catalogue model) has gotten a motorcycle and a juicer. Score! Who the fuck needs St. Barts when you’ve got a juicer? He’s also gotten scuba gear and an Herb Ritts photo. Well, he is just a catalogue model after all.
One of the restaurant models makes sure that we know she’s literary. Sometimes she reads an entire magazine from cover-to-cover!
Brb, gotta pop my eyeballs back in because they jumped out of my face and tried to run away.
SAD is now telling me about how models DO have brains, they just don’t use them. Uh, ok, you’re the one paying for trips to Paris and boob jobs, so who is using their brains here, douchebag? But then he says “my friends think I’m shallow. Sometimes I think they’re right. Other times I think, ‘hey! I’m fucking a model!'” SAD is a giant turd, you guys.
Carrie is at Gabriel Macht’s art/sex loft. He’s a friend of Carrie’s; we are only two episodes in, yet there is already an established trend of Carrie’s friends being assholes. Like attracts like, I guess.
Barkley (Gabriel Macht/Harvey Specter) is contributing to Carrie’s column by showing her exactly what kind of asshole he really is. Like how he treats models like dogs and yet still manages to get laid and live in an arty NY loft without actually selling any of his paintings.
He shows Carrie his real art. Oh, by the way, his real art is VIDEO TAPING MODELS HAVING SEX WITH HIM WITHOUT THEIR KNOWLEDGE OR CONSENT. And Carrie just lights a fucking cigarette. I really just cannot with Carrie, you guys.
Next she meets up with Nice Guy™ Skipper who tells Carrie all about how he and Miranda totes made out and hey, could Carrie pass along a note to Miranda since they have sixth period together? Actually, Skippy is whining about how Miranda won’t call him back.
Be cool, man!
Nope. He is incapable of being cool. Skipper pulls out his flip phone so Carrie can CALL MIRANDA AND ASK HER WHY SHE HASN’T CALLED HIM BACK. This is a for real actual thing that was written into the script. Like these are adult human characters in their 30s with professional adult jobs and omg I still have half the episode left.
So Carrie gets Miranda’s machine and the poor answering machine, which does not deserve this abuse, gets this message: “Hey, it’s Skipper. I’m in the street with Carrie. I just told her about how you won’t call me back. So now you have to call me back! YOU BETTER CALL ME BACK! No, I’m kidding. I’m joking! Please call me back. Did I mention this was Skipper?”
RUN. RUN FAR AWAY FROM THIS MAN, MIRANDA.
And, as usual, Carrie knows how to bring things back to her: “I think there is a curse put on the heads of anyone who tries to fix up their friends.” Really, Carrie? You did this! You did this to your best friend Miranda! You deserve whatever karma is bringing your way.
If I was smart I’d throw up my hands and forget this ridiculous project, but I’m not, so let’s continue.
Carrie and Stanford are at a fashion show in which Stanford’s most important (ie: only) client is starring. And sure, he’s a fine underwear model, I guess, but this is what a real 90s underwear model looks like:
and Stanford’s client, Derek “The Bone” is no Tyson Beckford.
Anyway, Stanford is weird and gropey with Derek (that’s no way to behave with a client Stanny!) and confesses to Carrie he’s just waiting for Derek to confess his undying love some day. This is a goddamn toxic work relationship. Carrie asks Stanford if Derek is gay and Stanford tells her Derek is too gorgeous to be straight. Stanford’s thirst level: dehydrated.
Samantha’s managed to get front row seats at this show, so it’s probably an America’s Next Top Model finale show. Harvey Spectre shows up, Samantha hits on him, and he acts ridiculous in that special way only men can when they pass up a good thing for an easy lay. When Carrie warns Sam that Spirit is a modelizer, but what Samantha chooses to hear is “challenge!”
Sam and Carrie titter like pre-teens reading an exclusive JTT interview in Tiger Beat when Derek walks the runway.
There is an after party and lo and behold who is at this party than smug bastard modelizer, Mr. Big. Apparently Big’s been reading Carrie’s column; he tells her he thinks it’s “cute.”
If anyone else had told Carrie they thought her column was cute, she’d have a shit fit, or at least we’d get a scene of the ladies at brunch where Samantha and Miranda get offended on Carrie’s behalf and Charlotte thinks she should take it as a compliment. Instead, Carrie giggles like she’s a naive 14 year old and the cutest boy in school has just told her she said something smart.
She tells him she’s working on a piece on modelizers and asks for his thoughts. “Only that they’re very lucky,” Big replies with that smug-ass grin, and continues, “[some men just admire] extremely beautiful women. Do you have a problem with that?”
THE NERVE OF THIS SMUG-ASS BASTARD.
Also, if this is what passes for flirting in 1998, I’m so happy to not have been flirted with in 1998.
Big’s date appears, she’s a model, of course (but also black!), and suddenly Carrie is transformed into “patchouli in a room full of Chanel.”
I miss Samantha rn. She would not let that shit fly.
So Patchouli Carrie voiceovers about something to with having thought she’d accepted her looks when she turned 30 and being too old to have the energy to be superficial.
Funny, here I was thinking being old enough to come to peace with your physical self is just something that came with age and wisdom and finally realizing how bullshit it all is, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ what do I know? I’m only in my 30s.
This entire episode is just full of awfulness.
So, then Sam runs up to Carrie to giggle about how baby Gabriel Macht checked off the “Yes” box on her do you like me? note, but Carrie does her one good-friend-act of the episode and warns Samantha about art-boy’s penchant for filming his model-sexing without their consent. This just makes Samantha more determined to go all the way with the dreamy boy from art class.
Carrie, feeling invisible in the midst of a bunch of models and the dudes who fetishize them, decides to leave and as she makes her way outside she runs into The Bone. Stanford is apparently getting a neck massage from a Versace model so Derek is leaving too. They end up at Carrie’s.
Carrie asks Derek why he didn’t hook up with one of the models from the show and Derek, THE MALE MODEL, tells her he thinks models are stupid. Derek’s model nickname should be The Bonehead, not The Bone.
Derek, a model name that you probably associate more with:
Carrie voiceovers that perhaps models repel each other because they can only be attracted to “regular people” and, I wonder to myself… how the hell is Carrie a celebrated columnist?
Derek makes himself comfortable in her bed and Carrie snuggles in close to him. They share a cigarette while Derek unburdens his mind (it doesn’t take long) while Carrie doesn’t listen. A love story for the ages.
Surprise, Carrie, beautiful people have feelings too (I should know).
Cut to the lonely people montage. Miranda is buying cat food (this is heavy handed, even for you Darren Starr) when Skippy walks up to her.
Red alert, Miranda. Dude is fucking stalking you. RUN AWAY MIRANDA. “Why haven’t you been returning my calls?” he whines.
Miranda tries to brush him off (RUN MIRANDA) but Nice Guy™ Skipper The Stalker claims they have a connection. WHY AREN’T YOU RUNNING MIRANDA? He gets weirdly confrontational (or maybe not so weirdly considering he’s a STALKER) and demands to know if Miranda does this with every guy she’s with.
She tells him to play with kids his own age, but when he calls her luminous her defences crumble because she has the self esteem of a damp napkin and simultaneously alphas up by refusing him his Cap’n Crunch and takes him back to her place.
Ugh, ok first of all, Skipper—fucking gross. Like dude, move on. She hasn’t returned your 3000th call, MOVE ON.
Second, Maranda, you are so god damn childish. You aren’t into this nerd? Fine. Tell him and put me out of my misery, please!
She clearly likes the attention, and really there’s nothing wrong with liking attention, but she’s got this person who is STALKING HER and that’s not okay.
Also, YOU DO NOT NEED TO FUCK HIM, MIRANDA! Especially since HE IS STALKING YOU!!!
THIS IS NOT ROMANTIC! THIS IS NOT LOVE!
It’s one thing to tell him to get lost because he’s a creep, which is what she should do, but it’s an entirely different thing for her to lead him on and send him mixed messages when she has no interest in him aside from getting ego stroked and maybe an orgasm (have you seen Skipper? It’s doubtful he knows how to make that happen). She does not need to get ego stroked by a creeper. He is a creep and deserves nothing from her. She can get her ego strokes somewhere else.
Samantha and the boy artiste are getting down and mid-deed she asks about the camera, but is disappointed when Barkley tells her he only films the models, but he reconsiders and Sam then spends the rest of their time together staring straight into the camera. Whatever.
Carrie’s voiceover tells us that Sam wants the same consideration as the models, which to Sam, I guess means being objectified and thought of as an idiot by some creepy voyeur dirt bag. Samantha does not need this, but whatever, at least she consented to being filmed.
It’s the next morning and Carrie slept in her make up. Stanford is on the phone. He freaks out when he finds out that Derek spent the night at Carrie’s, but Carrie tells him they just talked. Relieved, Stanford exclaims “I knew he was gay!” That’s a fun relationship.
SAD starts bitching about models ruining his life and how he is an old man at 34. Cry me a river, you sad, gross little man.
Carrie is writing in a diner when Big slides into her booth. He can’t stay, he’s late for a meeting, but he’s a professional and he has something for Carrie’s column: “First of all, there are so many goddamn gorgeous women out there. But, the thing is this: after a while, you just want to be with the one who makes you laugh, you know what I mean?” And then he’s out.
Carrie swoons to death.
- SAD/Sport Agent Dude/Nick Waxler
- Barkley/Gabriel Macht/Harvey Specter/Spirit
- Derek “The Bone(head)”
- Nice Guy™ Skipper
- Mr. Big
Carrie and Miranda tie
2 models out of 10 trips to St. Barts